one by one they vanish just the same~
It seems that way, anyhow. The main problem though, is me.
Not in a “hey-i-hate-myself-bye”-sorta way, no. More my disability to stick around, when I realize that I’m not gonna find what I wish for in the persons in my surroundings. That is very often it, and this is me. The girl who constantly has the answers to pretty much everything she does and why, and still makes the mistakes and takes no lesson, as if it wasn’t worth learning. Maybe because I know that when I do, I’m very likely to stop trying, which doesn’t scare me but makes me sad.
I disappoint myself, even though I know how to make it right. I make decisions even though I’m fully aware I will regret them. And I rarely actually give a shit as long as it won’t bother me.
I am the girl who people keep on wanting to hang with, also the one who’s probably the best in getting rid of people by slow and steady talk less and less, until there is no more response or will to be. I tend to charm people, I tend to have people sticking around and finding me funny, even though I personally have zero idea why on Earth that is. I love myself, but I’m one of a kind, I mean - for real. And others don’t seem to catch me, ever, so I really have no idea why I have friends at all. I am pain in the ass to be around, that I am sometimes too aware of, and neither here do I really give a shit. I care about the people around me, of course I do, but I’m not the tolerant one. I don’t stick around and I expect the same the other way around, yet I find that being particularly hard with the people that comes so close I can no longer control them fully.
Yeah, I’m a control-freak too, add that to the list along with very self-aware, almost ridiculously good at seing things others rarely do, and also being the most lonely person I think I can imagine.
Not that I feel lonely. Sometimes I do, but rarely. I find peace and comfort in myself, I don’t trust anyone else than myself and I don’t enjoy myself in anyone’s company more than my own. What I am looking for, if anything, is another version of me. Another person who wanders this Earth, who is emotionally independent, in no need for another person to be there and to trust, full of goals and ambitions, with a clear mind, a sense of humor and a good self-awareness. And there should be, but I can’t find anyone.
That is one part of me. Another, is the one that knows exactly what I truly want and how to reach it, but has already grown tired in the constant mental fight and has no strength left. None to keep on getting good grades and none to even think of what the hell I’m supposed to do in one year when this is past. For years I’ve battled myself, my emotions and my will, and I know that one year from now I’ll have to make a decision which I will be far from ready to make.
Currently, I do nothing except disappoint myself, either because I have far too big expectations on myself and my abilities or because I have nothing left to fight with, no energy or strength. Either way I keep losing track of money, school, dates, people. Stuff that I normally would’ve had no problem with I currently am losing, abilities and wishes turning from stone into ashes.
Lately I’ve been trying to track down new ways. Things I might be able to do while I keep on finding the right track, or making the final decisions.
I think my biggest struggle actually is life or death, even if I don’t care to admit it, too afraid of the consequences if I do. There is a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live, said Manson. If you want to die, at least you have a goal, he added. And that is true, so true. I don’t want to live, yet I do. I want to beat those odds, beat myself, beat anyone trying to put up a fight. But I have no strength. And I know why. And I know that there’s probably no help to get.
But just this week I heard about a guy, one year younger than me who I used to kinda know, who shot himself. Just shot himself. And I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve always seen suicide as something horrible, disgusting, weak and selfish, but when I asked myself why I realized I probably just think so because I am jealous. Because I wish I had the courage and the ability to choose, so I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore, just as all of them did. Because I do suffer. Day and night. But I still have something to fight for, and with one hand I am holding on so tightly and the other is starting to lose its grip, as it’s becoming ready to let go.
I no longer can tell what is the best solution. I am failing everything I am trying to do today, but whether that is a sign or just me not able to put my heart into it is unclear. I still have the time to do the right thing. The question is, do I have the energy and focus to pull it off?
